still grappling with my own madness

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– and now I have created my own waste land—no water anywhere and my pallet is sand—I choke in the night on my own dust—this living makes me ache and my muscles spasm at the effort of standing—so frail for a large man—broad chest and shoulders that carry the weight of dreams—the world has long since spit me out for lack of taste and I wonder if I am merely a corpse—a victim of disease—a dead man too stubborn to fall—the cremated remains too insistent to scatter in the wind—to hit the ocean—to return to the source of my becoming—lord I am a child…thirty-one years and I have learned nothing—collected a reading list and traveled a bit—for I am always running away and towards—the nonsense of it all – if this is the poet that I am then why bother with words—why even muster syllables—I am not good enough for language—instead I will curl up like a mindless mollusk and communicate through odors or simplistic body spasms—or a slug that has nothing to say and just exists to be slimy—eat and fuck and die all in one brief flicker of life—oh so pointless—I am still depressed –

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awake

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—so toss and listen to Schubert choral piece punctuated by the wind rattled windows—gust storm rolls in tonight—blows the clouds from before the moon—the dust of my thinking begins to clear and the writing begins again—my habits have strangled my creativity and I know that I’ve been hiding from myself—my own ugliness frightened me to fantastic flights of imagination—but now with solid mental ground I can feel the urge washing over me—to tell these stories before they die with me—

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waking

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—up to depression’s grip on my throat again—dreaming of falling and endings and brick walls slamming into my car—she sits in a wheel chair and contemplates rolling into a gorge—this mess that my own impulses have created invades my sleep—outside a damp chill surrounds the house—a garbage truck carries the neighborhood filth away—I hope for an emotional refuse collector—come to my curb and pick up my weeping—take it away to the landfill of despair and bury it under fresh soil—

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