May 23
Charles BivonaMy Hysterical Corporate Masters
I am writing with a simple request. Please, I’m begging you, stop trying to contact me. We have nothing to talk about. I understand that I owe you some money. I don’t have it right now.
You see, due to the recent global economic collapse—which you caused—I have been forced to radically reprioritize my spending. Therefore, every cent of my money belongs to a very tight budget.
This is a survival budget, and a survival budget has strict rules.
The Rules
Money may only be spent on the following:
- Food [starvation is against my religion]
- Housing [which is too expensive, by the way…]
- No-choice medical care [as in: you need medical care, or you’ll die]
- Transportation. [So, I can make the money to feed this budget.]
This plan requires a lot of personal sacrifice, but I don’t think it’s possible to do better. Not until the economy—that you nearly murdered—has fully recovered from its trauma, anyway.
In other words—and let’s not mince words, since our very survival depends on truth—my capital is all tied up. My accumulated wealth is frozen in an investment portfolio that my family has dubbed:
The Not Becoming Homeless Fund
So, when your economic mess is cleaned up—and I no longer have to hold a garage sale to see a movie—I will surely settle my debt with you.
Until that date of repayment arrives—a date which will be determined solely by the aforementioned Budget of My Family—I have to ask you, again, to Stop With the Phone Calls! Please!
Yours truly,
Charles Bivona
poor person
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May 10
Charles BivonaMy Hysterical Corporate Masters
My six year old DELL laptop started to smoke one day. I owed Juniper bank $4,000, but I had a $10,000 limit. So, I purchased the awesome MacBook that I am typing this on right now, for $1,000.
ASIDE: I call him [my MacBook] Zed. We spend a lot of time together. Zed, these are my readers. Readers, this is Zed.
Anyway, the day after I met Zed, Juniper bank lowered my credit line from $10,000 to $6,000–just above my new debt of approximately $5,000. They immediately sent me a friendly letter of notification.
Dear Charlie:
Since your debt is now so close to your credit limit, we are forced to raise your interest rate to 29.4%–which will raise your minimum payment due. We realize that this new minimum payment is five time what we asked from your before, but if you do not pay us at least this much every month, we will charge you a penalty fee of $150–for each offense.
This self-feeding con game will continue to accumulate your debt to us regardless of your spending with the card. In fact, you should shred the card, because within a month you will be forced over your credit limit, and your card will be deactivated.
THAT’S RIGHT! You will have zero spending power, yet your debt to us will just keep on growing. Hell, you’ll owe us money no matter what you do, really. LOL!
So, anyway. We know it sucks, but we’re not sorry. See, we’re rich, and you’re poor, so deal with it.
Sincerely, Go Fuck Yourself,
Juniper Bank
P.S. We’re calling ourselves Barclays Bank of Delaware–this week.
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May 07
Charles BivonaMy Hysterical Corporate Masters
I’m sorry, Mr. Bivona, but if you don’t pay us in full we will cut off your internet service.
Ok, then I will get service from someone else, and you will never ever see a single dime of your money. I mean, you will have to hunt me down, kill me, and sell my organs before I pay you anything. I will consider it a matter of principle. Is it a deal?
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