RSS5-16: 03 – i is
Jun 13
no more than electrical
meat storms—
shifting simultaneous
flowing and morphing—
a self-aware universe—
reunited with itself from
moment to moment
to moment—no more,
but no less,
also.
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5-16: 01 – Life is Suffering
Jun 11
Deep childhood pain burned emotional pathways down to your human core. You tell yourself that, being poetic. You like to think of yourself as cracked by pain—fractured and porous. You imagine your psyche as a field drought soil—cracked in a trillion spider webbed vessels.
You have suffered so much. You made it to adulthood on the planet Earth. Therefore, you have known humiliation and loss. You hate the word “therefore.”
You have lost so much, despite trying not to. You tried so hard. You couldn’t have tried harder. No, you couldn’t.
You limped along. You stayed alive. You stayed alive at times when you absolutely didn’t want to. You tried to kill yourself with cigarettes. You tried to kill yourself with alcohol. You tried to kill yourself with work, study, achievement. You stayed alive, somehow. You were lucky.
You didn’t slice open your wrists, or suck on a gun muzzle, because consciousness is always better. You realized that when you started blacking out from panic. Your stress levels were so high, that your brain turned off—said the second guessing doctor.
You returned from non-consciousness to full consciousness, over and over and over again. Waking up was always joyful. The world was more alive to you after each attack.
Your consciousness became your most valued possession. You wanted to understand it. You started paying it more attention.
Slowly, the joy of it all—the burst of a moment into a mind that was dead, the particulars of the moment that you used to ignore, sounds, smells, textures—filled all those cracks in your psyche. You felt the joy of being awake down to your human core, because your suffering had burned those emotional pathways long ago. Now you just relax—fully notice the moment—open to its ordinary beauty, and you’re home.
Suddenly, you’re grateful. You’re grateful for your suffering. You understand the interconnectedness of it all. You understand that you can only feel joy this deeply, because you were tortured as a child. You see it so clearly. You understand it in your abdomen. You feel a deep unburdening. You cry.
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